Introduction
What you are about to read has been written by Mr Biffo, the creative force behind the 90s Teletext videogames magazine Digitiser. He now runs the show at digitiser2000.com
The World of Warcraft movie - AKA Warcraft - isn't out until next year, but as the first trailer is unleashed, the game's legion of fans are already frothing themselves into a stupor.
Here are 10 things that the movie has to include, if it stands a hope of appeasing the rabid World of Warcraft fanbase.
1. BICKERING ERIC
In true World of Warcraft style, orcs are the main antagonists of the upcoming movie. If Duncan Jones knows what's good for him, he'll be putting the orcish leader, Bickering Eric, front and centre.
Despite being a mediocre warrior at best, his relentless arguing over trivial matters became so incessant, that his fellow orcs put him in charge of their empire mostly just to shut him up - as with our own monarch.
Unfortunately, that didn't work so well, and Eric continues to find things to pick fights over: the relative temperature of his throne… whether or not wasps are the boys and bees are the girls… and if dogs can look up without shattering their own necks.
2. THE CHATTERING SWORD
The most prized item in the World of Warcraft is Verbiosa, the Chattering Sword. Though capable of inflicting catastrophic damage upon any opponent, the enchanted blade comes with one drawback: it can talk, and will continually aim to undermine the player's confidence with its passive-aggressive comments.
Should The Chattering Sword make an appearance in The World of Warcraft movie, let's hope they include the moment where somebody attempts to flush it down a wyvern's lavatory.
3. THE BUMBLERS
These four aren't the proud warriors they at first appear to be: they're the World of Warcraft equivalent of children's entertainers.
Often in the game they can be found at a child's birthday party, on their way to a birthday party, or handing out business cards advertising their availablity for birthday parties.
4. GROWING SWORDS
Let's hope that the movie adheres to one of the fundamental rules of The World of Warcraft, and features swords which are grown on trees. The most bounteous and deadly of the world's many fruits, swords hang from swordtrees like pointy, metal bananas.
However, unlike normal fruit, when plucked a sword doesn't stop growing – eventually becoming so swollen and huge that it is virtually impossible to use.
5. BIRDOK
One of the most popular NPCs in World of Warcraft is Birdok the Brave – a half-human/half-chicken whimsy, who hangs around near fronds, giggling as he lobs fistfuls of rotten parmesan at passing minstrels.
When confronted by a player, Birdok panics and begins to flap his arms, while craning his head back as far as it will go, his pale tongue convulsing towards the clouds. Who wouldn't want to see that on the big screen?
6. DEREK WOLFENSON
Werewolves are a big part of The World of Warcraft, probably, and the most famous of all the werewolves is Derek Wolfenson, a barrister's clerk from the Province of Pharbottle.
What makes him so famous? His peculiar, high-pitched voice, which sounds like an old leather satchel full of hornets on helium.
7. INVENTORY RUMMAGING
One thing everyone loves about World of Warcraft is the amount of stuff you can gather. If the World of Warcraft movie has any hope of being faithful to its source material, let us hope that it features a number of scenes where players stop to sort through the contents of their rucksacks for upwards of five minutes.
8. THE BATTLE OF THE WOMAN ON THE HORSE
Wars can often be started over the smallest things in a world that is literally a world made out of warcraft; the stench of a pie… a weird scraping that might be an old trumpet sliding down a mound… something to do with the contents of a clog.
But the most bloody battle in Warcraft history is The Battle of the Woman On a Horse – started when two brothers couldn't agree over whether or not they had seen a woman on a horse.
The dispute spiralled out of control as old wounds were reopenened regarding a formative incident involving a Christmas Tree and a tin of molasses. The subsequent conflict claimed nearly half a million souls…
9. THE MOST PURPLE MEADOW
Of all the meadows in World of Warcraft, there is one that is unquestionably more purple than any other. If the ire of fans is to be kept at bay, the movie's characters should take some time to visit the meadow, and reflect upon this. "Yes," they must say. "Yes, this is the most purple of the meadows".
10. YOU
Why does everyone love World of Warcraft? Because you get to be a major player in the world. Duncan Jones' movie must take this into account, and feature characters who turn to camera from time to time, and address the audience directly.
"What do you think, my friend?" they could ask, before pausing as you add your own answer. "Don't forget our friend over here," they could add, pointing at the camera at least once in every scene.
